Review: Christopher Nolan’s Adaptation of The Odessey…I Have Questions.

One of the biggest movies that is supposed to come out this year is Christopher Nolan’s adaptation of The Odessey, the classic Greek epic that we (hopefully) all had to read in middle/high school. Unfortunately, however, the trailer for this is already making me want to hate watch the movie because it already looks terrible.

#1: The Casting

The casting of this movie is so bad that Epic: The Musical did a better job casting the characters…and you can’t even see the cast (though I had some issues with the guy voicing Odesseus, but I digress.)

The first issue is that it has so many highly recognizable stars in it that any time they popped up, I just went, “Oh, it’s Spiderman,” “Oh, it’s Edward Cullen,” “Zendaya,” “Ay, it’s Anne Hathaway,” etc. Typically, this wouldn’t be a problem, and it could be overlooked, but what prevents me from doing so is that a bunch of them are totally miscast.

Zendaya as Athena. Tom Holland as Telemachus. Elliot Page as Achilles. Robert Pattinson as Antinous. Lupita Nyong’o as Helen.

All of this has been said before, but this is terrible for so many reasons. Zendaya is a terrible Athena as she doesn’t have the screen presence or range to portray the goddess of war and wisdom. Angelina Jolie or someone similar would have been better.

Similarly, Tom Holland as Telemachus could be good, as he starts off in The Odyssey as a young man finding his feet before maturing into an heir befitting his father, but I once again worry about how well Holland will be able to portray that on screen. As the joke goes, he seems doomed to play a 19-year-old forever and his acting range supports this view. How well he’ll be able to play the heir of Ithaca is up in the air.

Robert Pattinson as Antinous was a terrible choice, once again because he doesn’t have the screen presence to pull it off. Antinous is the worst of the suitors, being their impromptu leader. He’s violent, arrogant, mean-spirited, and the overall embodiment of hubris. Epic: The Musical captured this perfectly in the parts Antinous sings (think the song “Hold Them Down,”) and the fans of the musical animated him in such a way that it shows his power, cunning, and pride. He’s genuinely unnerving to listen to. The person who plays him should embody that, and Robert Pattinson is way off the mark. He does brooding scumbag well, but that’s pretty much it. If you want him to play an angsty vampire, go ahead. Other than that, he doesn’t have the acting range or looks to pull off playing such a major villain. He just comes off as a bully who would go running to his mom if anyone stood up to him. He’s scummy but not scary.

Lupita Nyong’o as Helen is another person that’s been commented on since this movie was announced. While she is beautiful, she simply is not a book accurate Helen. Helen of Troy was the embodiment of Greek beauty standards and is described as “white-armed,” blonde, and blue eyed by various Greek poets like Hesiod and Sappho. She’s pretty much the polar opposite of Nyong’o.

As for Eliot Page as Achilles, while (to my knowledge) this hasn’t been confirmed yet, if the rumors are true…do I need to say why this is stupid?

#2: Bad Writing

Though it could be possible that the writers are trying to write this for a younger audience, we’re not so dumb that we can’t understand formal speech. What dialogue we’ve gotten so far from the trailer is very modern and had people roasting it mercilessly in the comments. For example, instead of Telemachus telling Antinous, “My father is coming home,” he tells him, “My dad is coming home.”

Apparently, Odysseus went out to get milk and disappeared for 20 years.

This is supposed to be a serious adaptation of The Odyssey. This isn’t supposed to be a parody. If I hear “rizz” mentioned anywhere in this adaptation, I’m leaving for Mars.

#3: What Translation is Being Adapted?

Apparently, there are a lot of different translations of The Odyssey out there and some of them are terrible. The one Nolan is adapting is particularly questionable, written by Emily Wilson, who wished to make the poem more female centered. She wanted to make the whole thing more focused on the women of the story and their experiences, obviously by interjecting feminism in there.

That said, if it’s a faithful adaptation of that particular translation of the poem, we can safely assume that the wokeness will be present in more ways than just the casting. While the women are certainly an interesting part of the story and play some pivotal roles in the plot, to make the story all about them takes away from the main plot: Odysseus wanting to return home after 20 years abroad.

#4: The Costuming

The costuming in this movie looks like it could be hit and miss, which is sad given the fact that we know exactly what ancient Greek clothing looked like from art and sculptures. Penelope’s dress looks alright, though it could have been better. Athena’s outfit is okay in terms of being historically accurate, though for the goddess of weaving, I expected it to look more complex (also, where’s her signature helmet and shield?) Some of the men’s outfits look accurate as well.

However, when it comes to some of the armor, I’m simply not buying it. The most obvious example of this is Agamemnon’s helmet. It’s literally just Batman’s mask but made to look Greek with a dumb spinal column added to it for no reason. I guess we’re also going to ignore the fact that the Greeks didn’t have steel armor, and only steel armor can look like the metal used on that helmet.

That’s also not even mentioning the Laestrygonians, which need no explanation:

At this rate, the only thing anyone will die of is laughter. It’s a bunch of overweight dudes with fake abs and the ever-hilarious sculpted moobs. How inclusive of the directors to recognize that you can be hilarious at any size.

Until next time,

M.J.