Blog: EVEN MORE Terrible Armor!

Because my buddy, the Nerdy Blogger, has asked for more armor reviews, we’re back to reviewing armor, particularly from the game Fallout. Now, I’ve never played Fallout, so I have no idea what the lore behind some of the armor is that could perhaps justify some of it, but let’s jump into it.

#1: Power Suit (Knockoff Iron Man)

I don’t know about you guys, but the helmet is giving me Alien vibes. Just look at it. It looks like a weird alien-bug head.

Other than the strange helmet design, this thing could theoretically work within the lore of the game. From Nerdy Blogger’s explanation:

The power armor is literal armor, powered by fusion cores. Never really explained as far as I know (I don’t know much), but you’re basically controlling a huge suit of metal. Even without the fusion core, though, you can still move the thing around (just slightly slower). Which is odd, considering it probably weighs more than every fat activist combined.

While the fusion core would probably make that thing easier to move since you could figure out some way to add technology to move it, I question how well one could move in it without some sort of mechanism to make it easier. It probably wouldn’t be impossible (you can move in full jousting armor which weighs around 100 pounds), but it really depends on the construction and would probably be unwieldy.

At least it would be a 10/10 for protection.

#2: This Thing

This isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen. However, I still have some questions:

First, what is with the area around the neck? It would make some sense if it had a bigger top half for the helmet, but it doesn’t even have that.

Second, why are his lower legs so short? This is somewhat off topic, but I need to know. I also need to know why the armor on his lower legs is so bulky.

Third, why is this thing so bulky? The characters have guns, so why exactly do we need full metal armor here? Sure, it could protect you, but Kevlar is also a thing and is much lighter. I’m not sure why this person needs a giant metal suit that would just slow him down.

Last, why is his groin protected but a good chunk of his lower abdomen isn’t? Congrats, you don’t have to worry about your yarbles getting shot, but there’s still an area that’s exposed that you don’t want getting hit.

#3: Leather Depends

The top part wouldn’t be as bad as long as you have a long-sleeved shirt under it, and even then, I suspect the arbitrary leather straps would still be chaffing considerably, making this thing super painful to wear. The legs also aren’t terrible as long as you’re wearing something under them to help prevent chaffing, though I question how you’re supposed to put on shoes.

However, the main that that completely baffles me about this outfit is the leather Depends.

What is even happening there? Whoever decided this was a good design choice clearly never thought about how uncomfortable that thing would be to wear. Nor did they ever think that the butt or upper leg might be an important area to protect since it would be a good target to hit.

But, then again, I’m pretty sure Fallout is supposed to take place in a futuristic world where most of the fighting is done with guns. But that also raises the question of why you would waste time and comfort wearing this when it probably wouldn’t work at protecting you against bullets. The only thing this would be somewhat practical for is protection against knives, and even then, there are a ton of places where you could be stabbed and be fatally wounded, such as the sides, crotch, and armpit area. So, in that case, this armor isn’t even good for that!

Overall, it looks very gay.

#4: Target Spotted

What is happening here?

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be armor for the character or if it’s supposed to be everyday wear, but either way, it’s bad. Why is this guy wearing a weird breastplate that only covers half of his torso while looking like a recycled soda can? That’s also not mentioning how incredibly uncomfortable that would be since he isn’t even wearing a shirt under it. Did he not have the money to afford a full breastplate and a shirt?

And if someone shot him…he might as well just paint a big, red bullseye on his stomach since there is nothing protecting that.

#5: Fish Head Pauldrons

This guy looks like a walking advertisement for tetanus shots.

Seriously, this thing looks rusted, there are numerous sharp, spikey bits on it, it even has a knife… one scrape on any part of this and you’ll need a tetanus shot.

Then there are those godawful shoulder pauldrons that look like fish heads. They look terrible and I’m wondering why they have loops on them. And don’t think I have to explain why walking around in rusty is a bad idea. This is just bad design.

Until next time,

M.J.