Blog: Even More Impractical Fantasy Armor

As I was scrolling through some of my past blog posts the other day, I realized something: I haven’t done a review of dumb fantasy armor in a while. And with how much AI is being used to generate some of this stuff, my guess is it’s only gotten worse since the last time I did one of these posts. So, here’s some really dumb armor.

#1: Wedgie Pajama “Armor”

Remember how I said that this would get even better thanks to AI?

This is what I meant.

First, we need to talk about why this lady’s thighs and forearms are covered, but the rest of her is not. It essentially looks like she put on the padded linen that you would wear under the armor, put on some arm and leg armor, plus a helmet, and called it a day. Safe to say, your padded linen pajamas are not going to protect you from harm. That’s also not mentioning the absurdity of the corset gambeson that she’s wearing over the linen PJs that’s naturally a thong.

Because of course it’s a thong.

Then there’s that massive pauldron(?). For all the stupid designs I’ve seen for shoulder armor, this one may be the dumbest. Unless you keep your arm down the entire time, it will slide off since there’s nothing holding it to the rest of your arm. That’s not even mentioning the cape that covers the back of her helmet for some reason and that massive, completely impractical, wall-hanger of a sword.

#2: Trollhunters Armor

Overall, this armor is not the worst. For the most part, it’s solid plate armor, that, while it would be heavy, gives good protection. However, I do have some problems with some of the design, particularly the parts that leave unnecessary caps where the chainmail is visible.

When it comes to plate armor, there will be some gaps in areas like the upper thigh near the groin and the armpit. That’s just inevitable and is why things like faulds were worn over the hips and covered the exposed areas on the thighs. However, with all of these suits, there are areas where the chainmail is exposed for no reason, putting the characters’ internal organs at risk. For example, while Jim’s (the guy the middle) breastplate covers most of his important organs like the heart, lungs, liver, and stomach, his lower abdomen is exposed, only covered by chainmail. Chainmail, while pretty good for protecting you against slashes, won’t protect you as well against stabs. One good stab to the gut, and Jim would be dealing with major damage to his intestines, or, if the attack is from behind, possibly some damage to the kidneys or lower spine. I’m also not a fan of how this his upper arms are similarly exposed, though it is harder to for your arms to be stabbed. You just better hope that if someone does slash at your arms, it’s not powerful enough to break that chainmail, otherwise you may be dealing with a lot worse than a scratch, depending on where they hit you.

Meanwhile, Claire’s armor is a bit better since the exposed chainmail is mostly on the sides, making it harder to hit if someone’s trying to stab from the front or back, but I still wouldn’t recommend taking that design into battle. I’m also not a fan of the pointy armor claws that protect her fingers, but not the rest of her hand. They seem like they would be very annoying to wear and impractical in general.

#3: This Guy…

This guy’s armor isn’t terrible, but I have some questions. First, I don’t understand why this guy doesn’t at least have some chainmail on under his armor for better protection. Second, why is his neck so exposed? That’s one of the main places where you want to cover up with some armor since a good chop there means you’ll be dead within seconds. Third, why aren’t his thighs covered? This is the second person so far that doubts the power of a chop to the femoral artery. Lastly, what is with the giant swords?! That thing would be so ridiculously heavy that it wouldn’t be useful, even as a chopper. Sure, you could do some damage, but you would be so slow wielding it that you might as well give up now.

#4: A Mini Skirt is the Least Practical Thing You Could Wear…

First, three-inch heels are THE WORST choice of footwear for battle. You would be sinking into the dirt, rolling ankles, tripping, unable to run very fast, etc. Then there’s that dang miniskirt that – and I can’t say this enough – leaves the thighs exposed, giving enemies an easy target to kill you. A cut to the femoral artery is no joke as you could be dead within 3-5 minutes. That’s also not mentioning the fact that this girl’s chest is mostly exposed, leaving the heart, lungs, and even more major arteries exposed.

Then there’s that sword. The handguard is massive, so it would be wildly unbalanced. And what is happening with the blade? Why is it serrated? Can it be used as a hacksaw?

#5: Legend of Zelda

I would like to know why this lady looks like she’s trying to take a selfie with a piece of wood but that’s beside the point. This armor is so weird. The legs are totally covered, but the armor on the arms and chest is so scanty I’m wondering why this person even bothered. At least there’s some scale-mail under it, but I’m still going to give this a 4/10 for usefulness.

Until next time,

M.J.