Review: Rings of Power is the Worst Show Ever Made: The End of the Review (For Now). Part 3/3.

As I said in yesterday’s post, Rings of Power is a case study in everything wrong with modern-day television. Not only is it a perfect storm of intersectionality politics, fan-baiting, poor story telling, and much more, but it is something that shows that fandoms can and will have the guts to stand up against the corporations that are destroying their beloved characters. Thanks to the Tolkien fandom, we have been able to completely eviscerate Rings of Power in the same way the Uruks ripped apart that one Orc in The Two Towers and it shows no sign of stopping any time soon.

#11: The Timeline

The multiverse theory has been made popular in recent years by reality shifters on TikTok, the new Marvel movies, atheists, and New Agers. That being said, I’m pretty sure the writers believe they each live in their own little universe in the multiverse with how whacked out the timeline of Rings of Power is.

Firstly, when the show was first announced, fans were told that the show would span five seasons and cover the events of the entire Second Age which lasted for 3341 years. If you haven’t read The Fall of Numenor by J.R.R. Tolkien and edited by Brian Sibley or Unfinished Tales edited by Christopher Tolkien, let me give you a quick overview of the Second Age of Middle-Earth.

At the end of the First Age and beginning of the Second, Beleriand had been destroyed in the War of Wrath, Morgoth had been overthrown by the Valar and cast into the Void, and the Men who helped the Valar (the Edain) are given a special island called Numenor for them to live on. Elrond’s twin brother, Elros, chooses to become one of the Edain (a special gift from the Valar since Elrond and Elros were half-elf/half-human) and becomes Elros Tar-Minyatur, the first king of Numenor who establishes the line of kings (of which Aragorn is descended). Meanwhile, Sauron starts growing more powerful and goes to the elven capital of Lindon as Annatar to try to trick Gil-Galad, Elrond, and Galadriel into joining with him, but is booted out and recieved by Celebrimbor, Lord of Eregion, because they both like crafting.

Over the next 500-600 years, the Seven and the Nine are created and Sauron leaves to go forge the One Ring; Celebrimbor creates the Three in secret and when Sauron finds out, he demands a refund and the War of the Elves and Sauron starts. Celebrimbor is tortured and slain, Eregion laid to waste, but Gil-Galad has been keeping in contact with the Numenorian kings (who have been settling in the South of Eriador) so they enter the chat under Tar-Minastir and Sauron is defeated and driven back to Mordor.

Several hundred years pass and Numenor starts becoming envious of the elves and turning evil, becoming split into 2 factions: the King’s Men and the Faithful. A few kings later and the King’s Men become the dominant faction and Ar-Pharazon takes the crown. Sauron announces himself openly, egging Pharazon to attack, is taken hostage by the Numenorians after immediately surrendering, and in the span of 50 years becomes the King’s most trusted adviser, starting mass worship of Melkor, and finally Numenor is washed under the waves by Eru in the Akallabeth. Valinor (Aman) is removed from the circles of the world so no man can reach it and the world is made round. Sauron survives as a spirit and goes back to Mordor, finally being defeated by the Elves and the remaining Faithful (lead by Elendil and Isildur) in the Battle of the Last Alliance, wrapping up the Second Age.

Does that seem like a lot to fit into five seasons? While it could be adapted correctly by way of several movies perhaps (starting a Middle-Earth Cinematic Universe (MECU), that would still be a hard task since there are so many major characters, many of whom never meet though they live in the same time line (another thing I’ll get to in this section).

Secondly, people seem to not only map jump, but time jump like this is an episode of Dr. Who or a game of Legend of Zelda. When Elrond and Celebrimbor go to Khazad-Dum, we’re shown by the map that pops up on screen that it’s relatively far from Eregion, yet the show makes it seem as though the trip there was just an early morning jaunt through the park. Nowhere does it show Elrond or Celebrimbor traveling with attendents or horses to carry their luggage. We don’t see them carrying any food, water, or camping equipment. They’re even wearing the same maternity dress and stolen robes that they were wearing in Eregion which look as clean as they were before as they enter terrain that must’ve been pretty rocky and hilly on the way to Khazad-Dum (judging by the terrain that we’re shown). As someone who has climbed up things and hiked in long dresses before, there is no way that you’ll be able to keep the hem clean as you trip over things and step on the fabric.

Another example of this strange time-jumping ability is when the Numenorians are planning their attack in the Southlands. I don’t think we’re told how long the travel is supposed to be, but everything in the show is supposed to be happening at the same time. The plot line of Adar and Little House on the Patriarchy is supposed to be taking place over a week or so. The Harfoot plot line is supposed to be taking place over several weeks, and Numenor is supposed to be happening over a few days, maybe a week as well. Not only does this mean that we’re constantly jumping between alternate timelines from the future to the past, but someone on Reddit did some math for how long it would take for the Numenorian ships to reach the shore then ride to the village and the trip would take 24 days! That’s close to a month and by the time the Numenorians got there, everyone would already be dead. But somehow, Galadriel has managed to surpass all laws of space, time, and physics and arrive in about two days. Bow before the power of the Double-X Chromosome!

Thirdly, within the cannon, Galadriel never meets Tar-Miriel or any of the ruling Kings or Queens of Numenor except Tar-Aldarion during one of his explorations up the River Gwathlo to Tharbad. Though it would’ve been interesting if Galadriel met Tar-Miriel during the time before the Akallabeth since they both lived in the same time period, it’s simply not cannon and the only reason why they know each other in the show is because the showrunners wanted Strong Whaman! to meet Queen Pushover (who’s actually a total girlboss because Amazon said she is) so we could have a group of “stong women”.

#12: Has Anyone Seen Celeborn?

Seriously, where the hell are they hiding him? Why’s he always thrown on the back burner?

First we had Peter Jackson putting in what can only be described as romantic tension between Galadriel and Gandalf in The Hobbit movies and now Celeborn is being replaced with Sauron/Halbrand of all people. I guess the writers really wanted to push the Saurondriel ship and show how much agency Galadriel has without her husband.

Everyone, completely forget the fact that in the books Galadriel had more power and agency with her husband at her side than without him!

Celeborn was a huge part of Galadriel’s life in Middle-Earth and was also one of the leading elves who fought against Sauron during the War of the Elves and Sauron. While he comes close to dying, he isn’t dead as Galadriel says he is in the show. In fact, he sails with her to the Undying Lands at the end of the Third Age. If anyone has seen him, please send him to Lothlorien immediately. He has some words for Jeff Bezos and Peter Jackson.

#13: What the heck happened to the elves and why does Amazon hate hair?

The elves look nothing like how they’re supposed to look in the books. As I’ve mentioned before, in the Peter Jackson movies, Jackson made the elves match Tolkien’s vision, even using the lighting to make them stand out from everyone else. He made them look ethereal and powerful. Even in the fight scenes, elves like Legolas and Haldir still look better than everyone else. In the case of Galadriel, when the Fellowship first meets her in Lothlorien, Jackson used fairylights that are reflected in her eyes to represent the fact that she had seen the Two Trees in Valinor. A subtle touch that hints at a much longer past.

Meanwhile, in whatever Rings of Power was, the elves have short hair, and look like regular Jo-Shmoes with pointer ears. While you might not think that the elves having short hair is something to get angry over, its actually a direct affront to J.R.R. Tolkien’s vision.

Tolkien was – amongst other things – a historian. Much of Middle-Earth’s fashion was based off medieval fashions, which included long hair. One of the things Tolkien lamented about the Anglo-Saxon invasion of Normandy was the end of long hair and the reign of short or medium length hair. The short hair of the elves in Rings of Power spits in the face of that.

I guess Jeff Bezos was just jealous of the elves’ luscious locks.

On top of this, skin color also comes into play. The elves were (once again) based off the peoples who inhabited Britian during the medieval period. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there weren’t many black people in Britian during medieval times. If Arondir is supposed to be one of the Umanyar – the “dark elves” who had never seen the light of Aman – the writers clearly had half a braincell between them since they clearly read that as a description of a physical attribute instead of a condition.

The dwarves also have the same problem. For a people who live beneath the ground, you would expect them to have fair skin. That’s how Tolkien described them after all. So why is Disa black? Why would there be a black dwarf in a place that barely gets any sunlight? None of it makes any sense. Instead of Amazon making her black for woke brownie points, they should’ve stuck to giving the female dwarves beards like they have in the books. At least they could’ve made some sort of statement about the alphabet mafia with that.

Finally, why does Celebrimbor look so old? The elves, while they can look careworn from centuries – millenia even – of grief and suffering, don’t grow old like we do. After they hit puberty at age 50, they basically remain looking like they’re in their 20’s for the rest of their lives. Apparently, Amazon thinks this must be ageist and decided to make Celebrimbor Grandma-brimbor. Here are a few pictures of what characters should look like compared to what they look like in the show. (Art and pictures not mine).

Galadriel in movies vs. Stong Whaman!

Elrond in movies vs. Stolen Bedsheet Elrond

Celebrimbor in books

Grandma-brimbor

Sauron in ROP

Sauron/Annatar/Tar-Mairon in the books

#14: Why’s the CGI so bad?

The CGI in Rings of Power is absolutely atrocious and cheesier than the CGI from ten years ago. I would say that it comes close to beating out She-Hulk in terms of how bad it was. How is it that the CGI from the late 90’s used by Peter Jackson is somehow better than today’s, when we have coputers without dial-up and AI galore? It makes no sense.

The best example of how bad it is comes from the episode where the elves are stuck digging the orc tunnels and Arondir tries to lead a jail break. Not only does that scene show how Amazon hates gravity and tries to make a message about detroying nature (which is incredibly ironic and hypocritical given how much they’ve trashed nature making the show and shipping things in boxes that could easily house thirteen small dwarves), but the warg that is released to help deal with the elves had me rolling with laughter. Not only did it look unrealistic, but when it started attacking people, it looked startlingly like an angry chihuahua as it ripped into the excapees.

On second thought, forget me saying that that’s funny. That’s a terrifying image.

The CGI used for landscapes would’ve been okay by itself and nice to look at, but when you mingled it with actual sets, you could see pretty clearly where the background was CGI and where it was real. Having worked with greenscreen myself for a student film, I realize that it’s hard to blend away the pixelation around things that aren’t greenscreen, but this is Amazon we’re talking about. They had a billion dollar budget. They could’ve afforded a better CGI house.

#15: Two Durins?

In the actual lore, there can only be one Durin at a time. The reason why is because every Durin who came of the line of Durin was said to be his reincarnation. This doesn’t mean it was some sort of family name. The dwarf had to look, act, and have the same name as Durin in order to be him. In the lore, there were only six of these reincarnations. It would’ve made more sense for Celebrimbor to need the help of Narvi, especially since Narvi was a good friend of his who helped make the doors of Moria.

#16: Disa is Mrs. Macbeth

While Disa’s character has one of the best performances in the show, it quickly goes downhill as she becomes pure evil, urging her husband on to basically usurp the throne and defy his father’s orders, despite the fact that the mithril will lead to the downfall of Khazad-dum and the death of thousands because there’s a Balrog (even though that Balrog shouldn’t be there).

In Tolkien’s works, a lust for power is always looked down upon as being a bad thing. It was Melkor’s lust for power that lead to the death of millions and the Marring of Arda. It was Sauron’s pride and lust for power that led to his downfall as well. Same with Saruman. We see this in real life as well in people like Hitler, Stalin, and more recently in our own politcal parties. Power is not something that you want and that is something that Tolkien understood very well. With power comes control, yes, but also guilt if you do something wrong. This is something that Amazon doesn’t understand and they are happy to glorify the pursuit of selfish power because that is something that people on the Left in Hollywood have been doing for years.

Epilogue:

Finally, after three days, I have finished with this review of the worst show ever made. I have picked it down to the bone marrow till nothing is left but the dust of its shame. But was it worth it? The Internet is a cruel place, and once you have put something out, the mob demands more and more. Nothing can slake its thirst for more content. By writing this review, while I have gotten all my thoughts about Rings of Power season 1 off my chest and have said what need to be said, I have now become indebted to the likes and comments. Now, I will be forced to watch season 2 when it comes out.

Thank God that won’t be for another two or three years, am I right?

Until next time,

M.J.