Apologetics: Debunking Deconstruction – Does God Condone Familial Abuse?

I recently got a comment from someone on my post answering the question of “Is God Abusive?” that was asking about the Bible’s treatment of familial abuse, both in the book and in the real world. I don’t know if this person is a deconstructor or not, but it’s a fair question. I honestly hadn’t thought much about this topic, probably because I’ve never once ran into a Bible verse that condones abuse within the family. But apparently, I have underestimated the reasons people have for rejecting God. So, time to answer this question of: Does God condone familial abuse?

The answer to this, like any question about God condoning abuse, is no. Plain and simple.

While it sometimes seems to be glossed over and you probably won’t hear your pastor preaching about it during a sermon, familial disfunction and abuse happens in the Bible. For example, Tamar is brutally raped by her brother in 2 Samuel 13. Judah’s daughter-in-law (also named Tamar), after her first husband dies, is neglected by her new husband, (who was her brother-in-law, in accord with marriage customs of the time) and later sleeps with Judah, who mistook her for a prostitute in Genesis 38. Cain murdered his brother, Abel. (Genesis 4) Hagar and Ishmael are thrown out of Abraham’s family after Sarah has Issac because she didn’t want him to have to share the inheritance. (Genesis 21) Abraham, and later his son, Issac, both lied about who their wives were, saying they were their sisters. (Genesis 20, Genesis 26) Jacob played favorites with his sons, leading them to sell Joseph (who was the favorite) into slavery. (Genesis 37) The list goes on.

However, when these instances of family disfunction or abuse occur in the Bible, it’s never shown as a good thing. It’s always shown in a bad light, as it should be. Often, serious consequences come with it, as well.

God never intended for the family to be dysfunctional. Dysfunction and abuse are results of living in a sinful world. They are, for many people, sad realities, even going back to ancient times. So how do we reconcile that with the command to honor and obey our parents and elders? (Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16, Ephesians 6:1-2, Colossians 3:20, Proverbs 1:8) If God knows that dysfunction and abuse exist because of sin, why then does he command children to obey their parents? And why is there so much in the Bible about punishing disobedient children, even to the point of stoning them to death? (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)

The answer has a few different parts. Let’s start with defining why these rules are put in place.

The command to honor and obey your father and mother are to promote an ideal. In a perfect world, the parent-to-child relationship would be a reflection of the relationship of God-to-Man. As Man should honor and obey God, kids should honor and obey their parents. It is meant to be a reflection of God’s love. But, because of sin, it’s obviously much harder to do that, especially when people are seemingly intent on being dysfunctional.

But what does it mean to honor and obey your parents? What if what your parents are asking you to do is sinful (i.e. asking you to deliver drugs to someone or something)? Do you have to obey them?

To honor your parents and to obey them are different things. To honor your parents is to treat them with respect in word and deed because they are your parents. You can disagree with what your parents do, but you should respect them for their rank. It’s kind of like how you may view the President. You may disagree strongly with him, but you still have to respect him for his rank.

To obey your parents, on the other hand, can be a form of honor. If they tell you to clean your room, you should go clean your room. However, some commands shouldn’t be obeyed. Going back to my previous example, if your parents or elders are telling you to deliver some drugs to someone or to do something inappropriate that goes against God’s rules, that is a case where you should not obey their wishes. Ultimately, God is above your parents. If they are asking you to do something ungodly, you shouldn’t obey them.

Sadly, some churches – especially hyper-fundamentalist churches (think the Gothardites) – don’t make that distinction and use those verses to encourage child abuse, leading to years of pain, trauma, torment, and cover-up culture from the family and church community. This is a grave mistake and should never be tolerated.

As for punishing a child, many people take this as the Bible condoning physical abuse, such as beating the kid. Now, I’m not here to say whether or not you should or shouldn’t spank your kid if they’re misbehaving. That’s a different post altogether. But what the Bible is saying when it talks about disciplining a kid is that while it’s a good thing, you shouldn’t be excessive in it. For example, Ephesians 6:4 says not to provoke the child to anger, and Colossians 3:21 says a similar thing, because if you are excessive, it will lead to resentment and sin.

As for the verse in Deuteronomy about stoning the kid to death, this was a law made specifically for that time for the preservation of the nation. Remember, ancient Israel was subject to the Mosaic Law and breaking the law (especially the 10 Commandments) was a terrible thing and evil had to be purged. Ongoing sin was especially bad. There’s also the fact that a sort of court hearing was required to charge the kid and figure out if his offense required the death penalty.

Until next time,

M.J.