News: Stop with the Freakin’ Remakes!

I’m a junior in high school (yes, I know I’d stop saying “I’m in high school,” but this is relevant to the illustration I’m about to give you). That said, one of the mandatory courses I have to take this semester is economics, a class that I initially dreaded taking, but eventually found to be quite interesting. One of the things I’ve learned so far in that class is the unit of measurement known as the util. Basically, the util is the imaginary measure of enjoyment or satisfaction you get from doing something like eating chips. When you eat the first chip in the bag, your util count is pretty high. You really enjoy that chip. It’s a 10/10. However, the next chip doesn’t give you the same number of utils, though it’s still good. This number is added to the previous number of utils to create the total number of utils (if the utils from the initial chip was 10, and the ones from the second chip were 8, your total util number is 18). As you eat more chips, while your total enjoyment of those chips increases, it does so at a decreasing rate until finally, your enjoyment starts to sink into the negative numbers, in which case your total enjoyment starts decreasing at an increasing rate until you never want to eat, touch, sniff, or look at another chip again for a very long time.

Apparently, this concept of the almighty util has not made it into the Hollywood writers’ rooms because while our enjoyment of their sequels and prequels was once bringing up the total number of utils at a gradually decreasing rate, we have quickly sunk into the negative numbers that are currently decreasing the total number of utils at an increasing rate. The first sign of this was the boredom induced by the trailers, then the hatred, then the eventual apathy leading to some of the best comment sections I’ve ever read.

So far, 34 sequels/prequels and several remakes are slated to come out this year, including a Five Nights at Freddy’s, Mission Impossible, Avatar, Zootopia, and Jurassic Park sequel. We’re also getting a “live action” remake of How to Train Your Dragon, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and Lilo and Stitch, Greta Gerwig’s ill-fated adaptation of The Chronicles of Narnia (get ready of Lucy and Susan to be Mary Sue girl bosses who don’t need no man, Aslan to be some wise guru who tells them that the real magic was inside them all along, the White Witch to actually be a misunderstood, oppressed, anti-hero, and Peter and Edmund to be bumbling, incompetent morons who need the ladies to lead them), Blade, and The Fantastic Four, Superman, amongst other things. Obviously, I can’t go through all of these, but let’s just talk about some of the big ones.

#1: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

I’m sorry to have subjugated you to the horror of Rachel Zegler attempting to play a girl-bossed, social justice warrior version of Snow White. I’ve already talked extensively about what an abomination this movie is going to be, so let me make it up to you all by giving you all a glimpse at the comments section, which is the funniest thing since the Rings of Power trailer’s comment section.

#2: How to Train Your Dragon

This movie hasn’t gotten as much attention as other remakes, but it still looks bad. Astrid’s race swap isn’t even the worst thing about it (though it does open up a discussion about Hollywood trying to erase European culture because it’s too white or something). My main issue with it is the fact that everything looks like it was taken from the original animated movie shot for shot but had all of the soul taken out of it. Seriously, the CGI looks like they just took the original rendering for the dragons’ movements and general appearance from the animated movie and made it look more “realistic.” Even the costuming looks like something a cosplayer at Comic-Con would make and the ships with their bright colors look strange. They almost look plasticky because they look too perfect. They’re ships that have been floating in salt water for a while, make them at least look a bit beaten up. Overall, the only good part about this trailer is the fact that they kept Gerard Butler as Stoic, and even then, that feels a bit desperate.

#3: Jurassic Park

For those of you who aren’t aware, the original Jurassic Park became part of an unnecessary trilogy (I call it unnecessary because the first movie had a closed ending) that ended in 2001. Then, in 2015, the franchise was revived in and stared Chris Pratt before ending in 2022 with Jurassic World: Dominion (which included my biggest nightmare: gigantic grasshoppers). Now, it’s being revived yet again with Jurassic World: Rebirth which would be more aptly named Jurassic World: Cash Cow.

This, I think is one of the best examples of how utils work. Everyone loved the original movie, liked the second one, were okay with the third, fairly okay or indifferent to the second trilogy, and are now just annoyed with this one. The comments section expresses this very well.

#4: The Chronicles of Narnia

Unfortunately, no trailer has been released for this adaptation just yet and the actual details are still up in the air. I’m not even sure if it’s actually going to be released this year. However, despite this I have some ideas on how this could go and none of them are good.

The reason why Netflix is producing this series and not Disney is because Netflix had acquired the rights to all seven books in the Chronicles of Narnia. That said, I think this T.V. show is probably going to focus on The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, but is going to take elements from The Magician’s Nephew, the prequel to The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe which explains how Narnia and the White Witch came to be. Of course, that’s speculation, but it would make sense in terms of explaining what’s going on and why.

However, as I’ve said in a previous post about this, I expect that this T.V. show is going to be terrible. The person directing it is Greta Gerwig, the same feminist nut ball who gave us Barbie. With her at the helm, I expect that (as said before) Aslan will be a depiction of a sort of woke Jesus where the characters’ true power comes from inside because they’re all part of the Oneness, the White Witch will actually be a misunderstood victim of misogyny, and the Pevensie children will be split between the super empowered girlbosses and the dumb, incompetent guys, which will completely miss the point of Lucy and Edmund having childlike faith that the older children (namely Peter since Susan later rejects faith in Aslan) come to have as well.

#5: Superman

This is the only reboot that looks like it could be good, though will I be watching it? Probably not since, minus Superman’s dog, it looks like every other Superman movie I’ve seen, just with some different faces. But who knows? Maybe this will be a superhero movie that does well in the box office.

Until next time,

M.J.