Blog: I Asked AI to Write a Script

Surely, most of us have seen the absolutely hysterical “I had a bot watch 1000 hours of [insert thing here] and write a script” posts by comedian Keaton Patti. If you haven’t, here’s an example of one of these scripts:

Having known about these and laughed at these for a few years now, I thought to myself, “Why not ask AI to do this?” so I did. Unfortunately, the results weren’t as funny as I had hoped they would be, but they’re still interesting when considering the discussion about whether or not AI could potentially replace humans in writing jobs.

Initially, I asked AI to do something that has already been done, which is watch a thousand hours of Joe Biden speeches and then write its own script. The first problem with this was that I didn’t know that AI can’t watch movies or videos online and that the Keaton Patti scripts were actually written by Keaton (take that, bots!) My second problem was that my AI just didn’t want to generate that. Maybe it was because of the AI I’m using or maybe it’s because we’re in an election cycle (which is what I tend to lean towards) because its response was: “I wish we could talk about elections, but it’s a complex topic that goes beyond my training. Sorry!” I then told it that I wasn’t talking about elections and got a similar response. I asked it to write a script for Trump, then for Kamala, but got the same response over and over. Finally, I gave up on that and decided to have it write a script for The Lord of the Rings and though it wasn’t very acurate to the lore, it wasn’t terrible.

Title: The Counsel of Lothlórien

INT. LOTHLÓRIEN – GALADRIEL’S CHAMBER – NIGHT

The chamber is illuminated by the soft glow of Elven lanterns. The air is filled with the scent of blooming flowers. LADY GALADRIEL stands gracefully, her presence commanding yet serene. Before her, a group of weary adventurers kneels, their faces a mix of awe and exhaustion.

GALADRIEL (softly, yet with authority) Welcome, travelers. You have journeyed far and faced many perils. What brings you to the heart of Lothlórien?

ARAGORN (rising to his feet) My Lady Galadriel, we seek your wisdom. Darkness spreads across Middle-earth, and we are in need of guidance.

GALADRIEL (nodding) The shadows grow long, and the time is indeed dire. But hope is not lost. Each of you carries a light within, a strength that can turn the tide.

LEGOLAS (stepping forward) Lady Galadriel, we have seen the enemy’s forces. They are vast and relentless. How can we stand against such power?

GALADRIEL (smiling gently) Courage, Legolas. The strength of the enemy lies in fear and despair. But unity and hope are our greatest weapons. Trust in each other, and in the bonds you have forged.

GIMLI (gruffly) Aye, but what of the path ahead? We are but a small band against a mighty foe.

GALADRIEL (raising her hand) Do not underestimate the power of a small band united in purpose. The road will be perilous, but you are not alone. The light of Lothlórien will guide you.

Galadriel steps forward, placing a hand on Aragorn’s shoulder.

GALADRIEL (softly) Aragorn, son of Arathorn, your destiny is intertwined with the fate of Middle-earth. Lead with wisdom and courage, and the light will prevail.

The adventurers rise, their resolve strengthened by Galadriel’s words. They bow deeply before her.

ARAGORN (determined) We will not falter, my lady. We will fight for the light.

GALADRIEL (smiling) Go now, with the blessings of Lothlórien. May the stars guide your path.

The adventurers exit the chamber, their spirits lifted. Galadriel watches them go, her eyes filled with a mixture of hope and sorrow.

FADE OUT.

While this script definitely wouldn’t pass the “Did-Tolkien-Write-It?” test, it’s better than what Amazon has come up with. I mean, in Episode 5, someone said the word “Okay,” which wasn’t introduced into the English language until 1839, and Tolkien’s work is based off of medieval England. Anyways…

After that, I asked AI to write a Batman script, this time throwing in the keyword: “funny”. I hoped this would give me a script more like Keaton Patti’s, but instead, the script was more like something someone might write out of boredom:

Title: Batman and the Case of the Missing Sandwich

Scene: The Batcave. Batman is at the Batcomputer, looking serious. Robin enters, munching on a sandwich.

Batman: (serious) Robin, we have a new case. Someone has stolen Alfred’s famous triple-decker sandwich.

Robin: (mouth full) Really? Who would dare?

Batman: (dramatic) That’s what we need to find out. To the Batmobile!

Cut to: The Batmobile. Batman and Robin are driving through Gotham.

Robin: (still eating) You know, Batman, this sandwich is really good.

Batman: (suspicious) Wait a minute… Robin, where did you get that sandwich?

Robin: (nervous) Uh… I found it in the fridge?

Batman: (dramatic pause) Robin, that’s Alfred’s sandwich!

Robin: (guilty) Oh no! I’m the sandwich thief!

Cut to: The Batcave. Alfred is standing with his arms crossed, looking unimpressed.

Alfred: (dryly) Master Robin, I believe you owe me a sandwich.

Robin: (sheepish) Sorry, Alfred. I’ll make you a new one.

Batman: (smiling) Case closed. Good work, team.

End scene.

After a while of toying around with this, I at last figured out that if you want a truly absurd script, all you need to do is ask it to write your script in the style of Keaton Patti and type, in all caps, to increase the absurdity and do that as many times as you feel necessary. In my case, this was the prompt I typed in to get my final result: “EVEN MORE ABSURDITY! MAKE IT THE MOST ABSURD THING YOU’VE EVER WRITEN FOR ANYONE!!!!!”

INT. RIVENDELL – COUNCIL OF ELROND – DAY

A group of very serious characters sit in a circle. ELROND stands in the middle, looking like he’s about to announce the winner of a reality TV show while juggling flaming torches.

ELROND: Welcome to the Council of Elrond! Today’s challenge: Destroying the One Ring! Any objections? Also, who wants a balloon animal?

BOROMIR raises his hand like he’s in a classroom.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor. It’s like trying to walk into a volcano with flip-flops, a beach ball, and a piña colada while riding a unicycle.

LEGOLAS: Mordor has no flip-flops. Only lava, bad Wi-Fi, overpriced snacks that taste like sadness, and a strict no-unicycle policy.

GIMLI: Let’s just smash the ring with my axe! Dwarves love smashing things, especially piñatas, bad ideas, alarm clocks, and existential dread.

ELROND: We tried that. It’s indestructible, like a cockroach in a nuclear apocalypse or a fruitcake from last Christmas that’s been left in the sun and then frozen in carbonite.

FRODO stands up, looking very small but very determined.

FRODO: I will take the ring to Mordor. Though, I do not know the way. Also, I forgot my GPS, my sense of direction, my lucky socks, and my emotional support hamster.

GANDALF: You have my staff. It’s good for walking, wizardry, as a makeshift selfie stick for group photos, and for poking things that look suspicious.

ARAGORN: And my sword. It’s sharp, pointy, and doubles as a kebab skewer, a letter opener, a backscratcher, and a really intense toothpick.

LEGOLAS: And my bow. It’s great for long-distance poking, roasting marshmallows, playing air guitar, as a stylish accessory, and for shooting apples off people’s heads at parties.

GIMLI: And my axe. It’s good for smashing things, in case you forgot. Also, it’s a great can opener, bottle opener, emergency toothpick, and for making really big salads.

SAM jumps up, looking very loyal and slightly worried.

SAM: And my frying pan! For cooking second breakfasts, defending against evil, making pancakes with extra syrup, as a makeshift drum, and for flipping really big burgers.

ELROND: Very well. The Fellowship of the Ring is formed. Now, let’s all look dramatically into the distance while a unicorn dances in the background.

They all stare into the distance, looking very heroic. A squirrel runs by, carrying a tiny sword, wearing a cape, riding a miniature skateboard, and juggling acorns.

ELROND: Also, don’t forget to validate your parking on the way out and grab a complimentary snack. We have lembas bread, gluten-free options, and a chocolate fountain.

GOLLUM pops up from behind a bush, holding a rubber duck, wearing a snorkel, riding a unicycle, and balancing a fishbowl on his head.

GOLLUM: My precious! Give it to me! I need it for my bath time, my rubber duck collection, my circus act, and my fishbowl balancing routine!

FRODO: No, Gollum! This rubber duck is mine! It’s my emotional support duck, my lucky charm, and my bath time buddy!

GOLLUM lunges at FRODO. They wrestle dramatically, like two toddlers fighting over the last cookie at a birthday party while wearing inflatable sumo suits and being cheered on by a crowd of penguins.

SAM: Mr. Frodo, watch out! He’s got sharp teeth, a questionable sense of hygiene, a snorkel, a unicycle, and a fishbowl!

FRODO and GOLLUM tumble into a kiddie pool filled with glitter, rubber ducks, and confetti. GOLLUM grabs the rubber duck and looks very satisfied for someone who’s about to get covered in glitter, rubber ducks, and confetti.

FRODO: The rubber duck is gone, Sam. We’re free! And sparkly! And covered in confetti!

SAM: Let’s go home, Mr. Frodo. I hear the Shire has great second breakfasts, free Wi-Fi, glitter-free zones, a new trampoline park, and a llama petting zoo.

They walk away from the kiddie pool, which explodes in the background like a dramatic fireworks show with glitter, confetti, rubber ducks, and a marching band playing “Eye of the Tiger.” A bird flies by, unimpressed.

Until next time,

M.J.