A few months ago, I did a post about fantasy armor in media that not only looked terrible, but also would be entirely impractical in real life. You guys seemed to really enjoy that post so here’s some more crappy fantasy armor that we can all laugh at.
#1: These people
I’ve never played Genshin Impact in my life, mostly for reasons that should be all too apparent to you just from looking at this photo.
All of the armor here is pretty bad, but let’s talk about the blonde’s armor first since her’s is the worst. While most of her vital organs and neck seem to be somewhat protected (assuming what she’s wearing is made of thick leather with some sort of inlay, which would be ideal for upper body movement), and her pauldrons, vambraces, and faulds look okay (though I have some questions about why they’re gold and how durable that would be), there’s still a sizeable portion of her chest that’s exposed, leaving vital arteries, her heart, and possibly her lungs exposed to harm. There’s also the recurring theme of boob amor here which, while it’s aesthetically pleasing to the 14-year-old boys playing the game, would be terrible in real life, especially if I’m wrong about the upper-body armor being made out of leather. However, even with those problems, that’s not even the worst part of her design. The worst part is the tiny skirt (if you can even call it that) and long socks-turned-fantasy-“armor”. Not only does it make her look stupid, but it also leaves the femoral artery exposed. If I were fighting this girl, I would be swinging at her thighs because one blow there and she’s down. I don’t care if she has a ton of cool powers, and the knee pads look cool; those things won’t save you from bleeding out. She also appears to be possibly wearing heels, which need I go into why those are a stupid choice of footwear for battle and adventuring in general?
Now for the blue-haired girl. Her outfit is slightly better than the blonde’s frilly, overly exposed get-up, but still looks like it was possibly bought at an armored version of Victoria’s Secret. First of all, her armor is very shiny, making me think that it may be metal, which, if that’s the case, could almost make me say that it’s worse that the blonde girl’s armor just from how heavy it would be. Minus the leg armor (I’ll get to that in a sec), it looks like a very heavy, one-piece bathing suit. There are no discernable clasps that I can see, making me wonder how the hell she managed to get into it in the first place. Additionally, there are so many extra metal pieces on this piece that are absolutely pointless that I really have to wonder why they’re there. Why couldn’t they have been made to go to the most exposed part on her body, her shoulders, which have a ton of arteries in them that can lead to her bleeding out? Then there’s the leg armor that seems to be connected via garters to the metal bathing suit thing. While I will give her props for covering more of her thighs than her friend, why couldn’t she have just covered that few extra inches of skin and made herself much safer? The entire outfit is already heavy enough, a few more inches of metal wouldn’t have hurt.
Lastly, there’s the pink-haired kid and honestly, she has the best armor out of all of them. While it would be heavy, it covers her whole body and looks aesthetically pleasing. The only problems I have with it is the pauldrons are way too big and should be sized down, she too seems to be wearing heels, the aforementioned boob armor is there, and I’m still wondering what she has on her head. It looks like a visor from a helmet that’s been turned into a tiara or something and doesn’t even serve a purpose. Other than that, though, her armor looks battleworthy.
#2: Noelle
I’m not even sure what I’m looking at here. Is this street wear? Is this armor? I’m not entirely sure, but either way, let’s critique it.
First of all, just from the hat, I’m assuming that she might be a nurse of some sort, which would maybe explain the weird skirt that totally wouldn’t get in the way during a fight (read with sarcasm).
Secondly, the armor for her upper body looks like she couldn’t afford two of each peice. While one side (her left) has a shoulder pauldron, the other side does not, instead having a vambrace and gauntlets that goes up to the bicep. The left arm also has this, but the vambrace doesn’t go up to the bicep. This would make her very unbalanced, and it would be harder to fight because of the excess weight on one side compared to the other. She’s also still suffering from the fact that while most of her organs are protected, her chest sure isn’t and the breast plate looks very uncomfortable.
Lastly, if you look at other pictures of this character that give a better look at what all she’s wearing, she’s not wearing any armor beneath her skirt and is wearing heels. Once again, this is a really bad move in terms of safety and maneuverability. She can trip, she can get her leg cut open, etc. And that’s if she ever can run. Looking at pictures of her leg armor, it doesn’t look particularly flexible, meaning that it would slow her down even more.
#3: Otto
As much as I would love to say that this armor is great, WHAT IS THAT BREASTPLATE? Could he not afford the other half? Why does it seem to be floating? Why are his vambraces so ridiculously large? Why doesn’t he have much more armor for – say – his legs? I have so many questions that I doubt are going to be answered.
#4: Aether
Just so we’re all on the same page here, this is a dude.
No. I’m not kidding. This is a guy.
While I can somewhat understand the females having ridiculously revealing armor since a lot of guys play Genshin Impact, I don’t understand why the very young-looking boy has revealing armor. While his chest is protected, his main organs are not, so already he’s screwed. The boots look okay, though I could still see them being really uncomfortable to run in, and why are there so many random metal pieces? Most of his ensemble is leather, which tells me that he’s someone who needs to travel quickly. So why are there so many unnecessary bits of metal scattered throughout it? Exceptions can be made for the lone pauldron, but for the trousers, is it really necessary? And if he bends over, I can see that spiky metal thing holding the two side flaps together stabbing him in the stomach.
I have so many questions about this.
Until next time,
M.J.
The Tanuki Corner 
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