Blog: If Bible Characters Could Text

When one of my friends left for college out of state earlier in the year, I made it my mission to report to her what the sermons at youth group and Sunday church service were about as often as possible. Usually it consists of what the sermon was about before transitioning into me spilling the tea on the what’s what of church. This later got me thinking, what if the Bible was translated into text messages? What if the people of the Bible texted like Gen-Z and Millenials? Thus, this blog post was born, so please enjoy this chaotic read.

(Disclaimer: This is satire. It’s not to be taken seriously. Please do not base your theology on this.)

Genesis:

God: Since when did u guys start wearing clothes? 🤔

Adam & Eve: 😳 Funny story, LOL. Pls don’t kill us.

God: 🤦‍♂️😡

Exodus:

Moses: God says to let my people go or he’s going to send a bunch of plagues.

Pharaoh: Number blocked.

Also Exodus:

God: U shall have no other god before me 😡. No idols allowed 🔥. Don’t take my name in vain 😡. Rest on Saturday. Honor your parents 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦. Don’t murder 🗡️. Don’t steal. Don’t lie. Don’t covet.

Moses: OK

Aaron: Dude! We made a golden 🐄.

Moses: ARE U KIDDING ME??????!!!!

Psalms:

David: I’m depressed 😭. Help.

Also David: Nvm, I’m fine again, LOL. 😁

2 Samuel:

David: I got a hot new wife!

God: Why r u so creepy? 😑 You’re not going to get away with this.

A few months later:

David: Well…crap.

Daniel:

Nebuchadnezzar: R u ☠️ yet?

Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego: LOL, 🔥 go brrr…

Also Daniel:

Daniel: Hey, IDK if you realize this, but I’m still alive. Do u have a laser u could toss down so I can play with these 🦁🦁🦁?

Matthew:

Joseph: Babe, I solved our housing problem.

Mary: Bae, this is a barn.

Luke:

Shepherd 1: Did someone put something in my food. Is anyone else seeing this.

Shepherd 2: I think this may be turned into a Christmas carol that will be played on repeat constantly for millenia to come.

Shepherd 3: What’s Christmas?

Until next time,

M.J.