Review: To Everyone Reading This, Please Don’t Base Your Realationships on Twilight. I Beg You.

When I was around the ages of 7-10, I had a cousin who was absolutely obsessed with the Twilight franchise. Me being the impressionable younger cousin who of course wanted to be like her at the time desperately wanted to watch Twilight. My mom agreed after a while and I remember very clearly being 10-years-old watching the movie wondering “Why would anyone ever watch this? Why’s my cousin so into this?” Since then, I have only watched various movies from the Twilight series a few times and a bunch of very entertaining reviews of it. So with those credentials, let’s talk about the Twilight movies, because there’s no way in hell I’m reading the books. I need to save those braincells for Rings of Power season 2.

#1: Bella’s an Idiot.

From what I remember of the movies and from the YouTube critiques, there is nothing to Bella. She basically has the personality of a narcisistic cardboard box and throughout the entire movie, she might as well be headless since there nothing between those shoulders. Not only can Kristen Stewart not act (you’re just expecting a fly to fly out of her mouth at any second), but you’re constantly wondering why she’s the main character. What does Edward see in her? What does Jacob see in her? What does ANYONE see in her? Why is everyone fawning over her and trying to flirt with her? She constantly sends mixed signals to everyone she knows and claims to love, has no standards, looks like she’s about to throw up all the time, there’s no chemistry between her and Edward or Jacob, and she seems like she’s constantly on some sort of anti-anxiety pill with how sedated she acts.

I also don’t get the ridiculous “quirky and relatable” trope. While it’s important for characters – especially the main character – to be relatable to the reader, when relatable means giving them dyspraxia (a neurological condition where you have problems with balance and muscle cordination) and a personality as deep as a teardrop, they simply aren’t relatable to the reader. Instead, it seems more like the author or director was one of the popular kids in highschool who was trying to connect to the nerds and failed horrifically.

#2: Edward’s a Creep

Just because you’re a 109-year-old vampire with the personality of a constipated brick who’s sparkly and looks like an 18-year-old, doesn’t mean you can watch a 16-year-old girl sleep in her underwear. I don’t care how hot you’re supposed to be, don’t do that!

The entire romance between Edward and Bella is incredibly contrived and very abusive. The power dynamics are way off and he gaslights her so much that he could single-handedly illuminate the entire state of Washington until it could be seen from space. Add the fact that he’s a vampire and knows that he could absolutely kill her by just patting her on the back and you get a whole other level of yikes. If he actually loved her, he would leave her alone and let her live a normal life without all the abuse.

On top of that, in the first movie, there’s an entire montage of him just staring at Bella like he wants to wear her skin for a while. Tip for any guys reading this: while that might work for people like Edward in the movies, please don’t try this in real life. Yes, you might get a girl interested in you, but that interest will likely be more her wondering, “Does he like me, do I have something in my teeth, or is he zoning out thinking about the Roman Empire?” Maybe just talk to her. It’s way more effective.

#3: Jacob

Jacob is a creep with anger issues who, just like Edward, treats Bella like a piece of meat. On top of that, in later movies, he’s a pedophile who falls in love with Bella and Edward’s infant daughter. Once again, just like with Edward, I would also argue that he just serves to highlight Bella’s stupidity since she also sorta falls for him.

Remember, Twilight was written by Stephanie Meyers who happens to be a member of the LDS. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

#4: Glorification of love triangles

I don’t care if it draws in women, love triangles suck. While they might be fun to read about in books (depending on your mood and the book), in real life, only the most vapid women enjoy them. Having two guys fight over you because they both like you is hell in real life, especially if you happen to know both of them. If you date one of them, you’ll hurt the other, someone will always be jealous (especially if there’s a 3rd party involved), and there’s a high chance that at the end of it someone or all of you will hate each other. It’s even worse when two guys are fighting over someone just because they’re pretty, as is the case with Jacob and Edward. They’re not fighting over Bella because she’s genuinely likeable, no. They’re fighting over her because they’re two (sorta) teenage boys who found someone dumb enough to like them.

#5: Glorification of abuse

As I mentioned earlier about Edward and Bella’s relationship, it’s incredibly abusive thanks to all that gaslighting and the power imbalance. He also weaponizes her needs and wants against her so he can get his way. And it doesn’t just extend to Edward. This also extends to Jacob and Bella.

Jacob is somone who seems willing to force what he wants on Bella and when he doesn’t get what he wants, he becomes violent, even to the point of throwing a motorcycle across a shed. If he isn’t being physically violent, he will also act like Edward and become incredibly manipulative to get his way.

Finally, Bella is abusive to both boys by constantly giving them mixed signals by acting like she’s with one person while she’s stated before that she’s in a commited relationship with the other. She says in one movie that she’s going to be like Switzerland in the cat-fight that’s she’s trapped in EVEN INTO HER MARRIAGE, but still acts kind-of touchy-feely towards Jacob.

Who wants to bet that if Twilight is ever rebooted, it’ll be about Bella sitting home alone after Edward and Jacob decide that she sucks and she becomes an angry blue-haired feminist with cats?

Pretty much everyone in the series is a villain to one extent or the other and for some reason this is considered “okay” because they have visible abs and are angsty. It’s this mind set that has made so many women who grew up on Twilight decide to chase incredibly unhealthy relationships that they often regretted later in life for a myriad of reasons. Ladies, just because a guy called you pretty doesn’t mean that you should date him. If he does things like punch holes in walls when he’s angry, gaslight you about things he’s done, etc. run in the opposite direction. Those types of men are not marriage material and definitely aren’t the types that you want to have kids with. And to the authors out there: please stop glorifying that type of behavior. It will only hurt those who read your books and you’ll get bad reviews from people like me.

Until next time,

M.J.