(Disclaimer: This is satire and not to be taken seriously. I am not – by any means – a Bible expert. This is just based off of my understanding of it. Please do not use this as something to build your theology off of.)
#1: Genesis
Really guys? Can you not sin for…like…five seconds? This is why we can’t have nice things. At least this guy survived the powerwashing.
#2: Exodus
We’re getting out of here guys! A burning bush told me! To milk and honey we go!
#3: Leviticus
The Israelities build a cool tent to sacrifice animals in. Does anyone understand it? Nope.
#4: Numbers
No, we’re not there yet. If y’all would shut up, we would get to the promised land a lot faster.
#5: Deuteronomy
Moses: I have the 15 – *drops one* – the Ten Commandments. BTW, why are you guys dancing around a statue.
#6: Joshua
We made it! Thank you God!
#7: Judges
Don’t do dumb stuff. God will punish you.
#8: Ruth
Naomi: Go back Ruth, I’m going to Bethlehem alone.
Ruth: Of course you are, and I’m coming with you!
(Author: If you got that repurposed quote, I’m giving you an A+)
#9: 1 Samuel
Sammy makes Saul the king and David gets chosen to be the next king.
#10: 2 Samuel
DAVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING??????!!!!!!!
#11: 1 Kings
SOLOMON WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!!!
#12: 2 Kings
We had some good times, some bad times…some really bad times. When will we learn?
#13: 1 and 2 Chronicles
Time travel back to when Dave prepares to build the temple. Solomon becomes the ruler and Judah exiled by Babylon.
#14: Ezra
Time to reconstruct everything.
#15: Nehemiah
We built a wall and made Judah great again.
#16: Esther
Beauty pagent winner saves her people.
#17: Job
Satan: I bet I can get this guy to no longer be faithful.
God: Okay. Bet.
Job: Why me?
#18: Psalms
A bunch of people penned so many bops that a book was dedicated to them.
#19: Proverbs
Here’s some common sense. Don’t be stupid.
#20: Ecclesiastes
You can’t tell me Solomon wasn’t going through an emo phase when writing this.
#21: Song of Solomon
Yeah, this guy would know, wouldn’t he?
#21: Isaiah
We suck but there’s a cool dude called the Messiah coming.
#22: Jeremiah
God’s angry at you again. What was it this time?
#23: Lamentations
Whelp…this is what happens when you don’t follow God.
#24: Ezekiel
You’re gonna be saved at some point! For now you’re still in trouble, though.
#25: Daniel:
Generally, you want to avoid being yeeted into a pit of lions.
#26: Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah
Hosea married a woman for the sake of proving God’s point and no one remembers the others.
#27: Jonah
If you see a whale, please do not do what this guy did.
#28: Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, and Malachi
Who?
Until next time,
M.J.
The Tanuki Corner 
Leave a comment