Maybe I’m not the greatest person to be critiquing armor since 1). I’ve never worn armor for anything and 2). I don’t play a lot of video games (I’ve only played SmashBros a handful of times and the cart racing games a few times). However, I do come from a family with common sense and my dad is someone who is obsessed with medieval weapons and armor, which he has passed on to me. So with those outstanding credentials, let’s take a look at some of the worst armor I have seen in media, laugh at it, and wonder why the hell anyone ever let it get a green light.
#1: Wonder Woman
While most of you have probably played more video games than I have and already know what I’m talking about, here are some examples of how absolutely ridiculous women’s armor can get.
These pictures of Wonder Woman’s armor isn’t even the dumbest it can get. In some of the original comics, she wore way less. I actually have a poster of Wonder Woman in my room where she is wearing (believe it or not) even dumber armor that would not protect her at all.
While the gold suit of armor looks like you could maybe move in it and looks very pretty, it also would be really, really heavy. However, I would probably prefer that than be running around in a skimpy leather (I’m assuming that’s leather coated in some sort of resin perhaps (?) outfit with only some sort of vambraces and greaves as the only major form of protection. On top of that, in both outfits, she wears wedges (not shown in these pictures but you can look it up). I can barely walk in three-inch heeled boots, much less run in them, and at least those heels have some flex. With wedges, you have no flex, making them incredibly hard to run in.
#2: Effie (Fire Emblem Heroes)
Another example of dumb armor for women is whatever this character is wearing. This poor girl has been shoved into a tin can. Not only are those shoulder pauldrons way too big to the point where if she were to lift her arm, she would whack herself in the face if not decapitate herself, but they would be incredibly heavy. Similar could be said for the faulds (the things on her hips), but those are somewhat worse since while they protect the sides of her legs, they leave the rest of the legs and thighs exposed which (except for the greaves) are only covered by what I’m generously going to guess are leather tights. Leather, unless hardened by something, stacked in layers, or made very thick isn’t a great material to protect you. I could easily see an adversary hacking this girls legs out from under her or slicing open the femoral artery.
However, the worst part of this armor is the breast plate that only covers – you guessed it – the breasts. While the heart and maybe the lungs are protected, everything else is only covered by the leather bodysuit thing.
Finally, to top off that crappy ensamble, you have the fact that her arms are heavily protected for some reason more than anything else and she’s holding a sheild that probably weighs more than she does.
#3: Elendil’s Numenorian Moob Armor
While this looks extremely cheap, I’m commenting on it from the perspective of how well it would actually work. First of all, this is scale mail, which has been used by many cultures for centuries and can be made out of leather, metal, paper, wood, etc. However, my main question about this is why doesn’t he have plate armor (we know the Numenorians have plate armor in the show since that is what Elendil mostly wears)? The scale mail would work, but maybe not as well as the plate armor. Why isn’t he wearing something more protective. Are the scales merely decorative things that have been put over a molded leather or metal breat plate (which would explain the moobs)? We don’t know.
Thankfully (and this will make the YouTuber Jill Bearup very happy) he’s wearing a helmet…but it’s a garbage helmet. Once again it looks very cheap and what is with the ridiculous things on the side that I could see easily getting caught on something. While it is one of the only things that they may have gotten cannonically right (look at the helmets shown in The Fall of Gondolin), it still looks stupid.
#4: Dunno Who This is But She’s Going to Regret That Costume
Firstly: metal corset with a sheet metal bustle and crinoline cage. What in the heck is that?
While I suppose it is protecting her torso (assuming it isn’t giving her cleavage more lift than it probably needs…which it probably is), it would also likely be constricting her ability to breathe much more than a normal corset. Normal corsets are usually made of some sort of fabric and are stiffened with plastic, whale bone (if you go back in time), or thin pieces of flexible metal. Notice the key word here. It’s flexible, which means that – unless you tightened it way to much or it’s too small – you’ll have room for your chest to expand so you can breathe. Solid metal is not flexible and since women have a smaller lung capacity than men (one of our many differences), she would be getting winded very quickly if not calapsing from essentially suffocating herself. There is no way in hell she would be able to drag that bustle through a battlefield. She would also find herself unable to get through small spaces to escape, if she could even run.
Essentially, it is just metal lingerie complete with frills.
#5: Pirate From Genshin Impact
Arms protected? Check. Well…one arm’s protected anyway. The other one is half-way protected.
Legs protected? Not super well, but good enough. You can run easily in them.
Torso protected? Ha ha ha ha! No.
Why? Just why? I suppose he does have something covering his chest, but it’s on the wrong side of his chest to cover his heart and honestly, he needs the missing 3/4 of the breastplate for it to be effective. I could get over this if the plate wasn’t there, but since it is, it’s just stupid.
Until next time,
M.J.
The Tanuki Corner 
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