Blog: Can We Talk About Lightsabers for a Moment?

As I’ve been trying to convince my parents to allow me to start a YouTube channel for this blog, one of the ideas I’ve had floating around in my head for a video has been “Galactic Insurance Agent Insures Lightsaber.” However, since I haven’t gotten a YouTube channel started yet, why not talk about all the problems with lightsabers in a blog post?

#1: Safety

I don’t care if you say “The lightsaber is the safety,” even the darn blasters have a safety button on them per The Force Awakens. The only thing that is holding the lightsaber in place on Jedis is usually a flimsy strap thing that leaves it bouncing around on the the wearer’s leg, especially when running. I’m also assuming that there’s a button or switch that activates it so what happens if that button gets pressed to switch gets flipped from all the bouncing? What happens if you go to sit on the couch and bump into something? In that case, I’m hoping you were already planning to get a new couch and an amputated leg because that’s what’s going to happen.

#2: Robes and Armor

Jedi robes – while they do look cool – are not the best things to fight in. We’ve all seen The Incredibles: “No capes!” While capes are good for the aesthetic, unless there are some Jedi traveling to some random ice planet or somewhere else that’s cold, I see no point in them. They’re a tripping hazard and considering that some Jedi decide to get rid of them anyways, why not get rid of them completely.

For the Jedi that smartly wear armor (mostly the Sith), why is none of it blaster/lightsaber proof? If it is (which for some reason it’s not), why don’t more Jedi wear armor, especially the Padawans who are training? Not only would it make fights safer, longer and more interesting, but would also cut down on the amount of Jedi amputees.

#3: Why are you Giving Lightsabers to Children?

In history, young squires learning to fight were usually given wooden swords, daggers, and other weapons to train with so young Timmy didn’t accidently cut his or or buddy’s head, leg, or other limb off (“It’s just a flesh wound.”) Meanwhile, in the Star Wars universe, the lightsaber is supposed to be the most powerful weapon ever created that not only can roast the insides of your enemies in a second (unless you’re talking about the Star Wars adjacent shows like Ahsoka), but can even melt through metal. With that in mind, why are the Padawans being given lightsabers right off the bat? We never see them training with anything harmless. It always seems like the Jedi see these freshly kidnapped children and act like Oprah; “YOU GET A LIGHTSABER! AND YOU GET A LIGHTSABER! EVERYONE GETS A LIGHTSABER!!!! Now here’s a dumb helmet, I guess.”

#4: Does Anyone do Background Checks?

Seriously, why are you giving lightsabers to people that you’re just hoping won’t go insane? A background check here and there could’ve saved a lot of people a lot of trouble. Maybe a background and mental health check on Anakin could’ve saved the Padawans from Order 66. On top of that, given that the children are being essentially kidnapped from their parents (if they’re not orphans), it might be a good idea to make sure you’re not giving any wierdos super powerful weapons. It might also be a good idea to make sure any teen Padawans don’t have lightsabers since teenagers are usually insane. Add trauma onto that, and you’ve just equipped the teenagers for the Dark Side. Good job, everyone.

#5: Does Anyone do a General Safety Lesson When it Comes to Lightsabers?

This sums it up pretty well. The best part of this scene is that Obi-Wan doesn’t even seem concerned. He doesn’t tell Luke to point it away from himself or anything. The lightsaber didn’t even come with a safety manual that Luke could’ve read first before handling the weapon. Just ignore that the chosen one – with a single flip of a switch or push of a button – could be moments from death. It’s fine. We have Leia if anything goes wrong. We don’t need Mark Hamil. Though, I suppose in the new versions of Star Wars lore, Luke could probably just walk it off in a day.

Until next time,

M.J.